Cops

Further proof you can’t make my life up. Fuck, Jonathan Swift couldn’t dream this shit up. People ask me, or berate me rather, on my drinking habits. Often stating I either drink too much, too often, or what have you. To this I say, fuck you. I know its a trite cop out but really screw you. If you had to deal with the self imposed hell I deal with you would be a functioning alcoholic too. I use the word functioning very loosely.

Of course, this story is set in the bowels of rural debauchery that is Columbia. As I remember it began with a keg. Don’t they all? As I said, we had a keg drinking over at Wolfe’s place. Well one thing led to another, beer after beer after beer and no real party going on.

True to form I figured it would be a fan-fucking-tastic time to brush up on my drunk dialing skills. In the midst of annoying others around the country that had the misfortune of being put in my phone I came across Lil’ Sis. Before I move on I have to say that Lil’ Sis has seen me at my absolute worst and god bless her, was nice about it. Now she had a place less than 10 minutes away and I thought it would be great idea to take the keg over there.

At the time it sounded like a great idea. So we loaded up in my Blazer. I was tanked, and my buddy is much better drunk driver than I so he manned the helm while three others took the seats. Myself, I was in the back half passed out with the keg.

Eventually we rolled up right across to Lil’ Sis’ house. This is were it gets extremely hazy. (From this point on all of this is from my recollection and I haven’t confirmed this from the parties involved.) We tapped the keg and started drinking on the street out of the keg that was still in the back of my car.

Next thing I know I am seeing two cars racing down and stopping on a dime facing each other, essentially blocking my car in. Lights were in my eyes and I was half asleep/passed out so still I had no idea what was going on. Alien abduction? No idea.

In my incoherent stupor I did not notice that these "lights" were, in fact as a later learned, were undercover ATF agents. Really, I didn’t know this at the time and tried to put up some kind of fight. Next thing I remember was me being slammed on the hood of my car, face down getting cuffed (I think there was also a scuffle on the ground). Then I knew what was going on. I saw those big news video cameras.

Like an epiphany it all made sense. I was on COPS, or so I thought. I started arguing (still half awake mind you) about what an open container was and why I was being arrested. Apparently an open container can be a keg that is tapped in the back of your SUV. This was while my head still being held on my hood. After this I was more "awake" and was much more calm.

From the curb we got our summonses. As hazy as it was I do remember Wolfe asking for a low five with the cuffs on from the ATF agent. So what happened? It seems that the ATF was doing "surveillance" on that neighborhood for underage drinking and at the same time a training video. Hence the video cameras. I like to think that some young douchebag learned from me. I really want a copy of that tape.

At "Bars"

You know I'm normally a dark smelly skanky bar kind of guy. These are my bars, when they know your name and/or drink. A guy that doesn't need flashy lights and tights to keep me awake. My old therapist and I talked about this: you know why all the great 20th centuary writers were drunks? Because alcohol was their coke, that's what kept turning their pages.
I digress.
I know it has been awhile since i made a descent post. I have been preoccupied by poker. After finishing 12th of 8,593 i was happy with myself. Since I started making money on me being in my boxers all day. And no I did'nt spend it on hookers. So here it goes, people i hate in bars.

1. Alpha male throwing 'bows: Ok, I get it man you are the big guy here in this time honored dance of dominance. I might be 5'8 but...This does not mean that I won't take your ass out to the parking lot and go Rudy on your ass.
2. Guy that wears a suit on a weekend: I loath these guys. Yes, I own a Brooks Brothers shirt but I feel that a Saturday is not worthy of it. But you do. Why? May I say little man syndrome? Come on, even if you say you work at that big law firm; everyone knows there is no court on Mondays. So what, you had your mother dress for you two days early. I hate you. Trying too hard.
3. The girl with the purse: this is that girl that has the most expensive purse you can think of, but its a clear knock off. dont call her on this. you might lose your eyes.
4. Guy who lost his legs: He might play bumper cars with your cock and balls while getting his "mack on" with one of the girls you came with. Bar code says pay no attention to such riff raff but beware. His Boyz to Men moves might persued her.
5.Mr. Same Jersey Wearer: Yes, you might wear the same jersey that has "Drew" on it but it does not, i repeat, does not make you butt buddies with me.Find your own, go flock. Flee, Flee for your life. Because I'm ashamed of it. I prefer the Ankiel if anything. Then we can talk.
6.Overzealous DJ: This is the Dj that wont let a song play for more than one minute until he completley fucks it up. He might, quite possibly transition Biggie to Lil John. Need I say more? *Almost always Korean
7.Out of Town sports Fan: True, might agree with you and in fact be rational... at first. But eventually it will end like so; "Yeah the cubs do suck this year. but next...) then you pass out due to ignorance. Best advice is to flee, or push him into local alph male.
*If they ever offer you a shot, don't take it. They are trying to rufy you to the northiside.
8. I Love This Song Guy: Sure the song is good. But after the 30th time of hearing Nelly, I want some Men at Work. Not to mention if Weird Al sung it, it's already ruined.. Also included: (Tim) I can rap this song guy. He might be able to do it well, and very well but then you remember he grew up 100 yds from you house in West County, which makes it all the better/worse (Timenim).
9. Don't Worry I Got This Guy: Alright he might get the first round or two, but as the night wears as it should he asks you to "spot" him. Im guilty of this. But beware this man can run up your tab more than Charlie Sheen on a hooker spree. It always turns up filthy.
10: The Puke/Piss guy: Finally, at all costs avoid this guy. He is the one of your friends or friends of your friends that you have to take home at night. He drank way too much before he knew what too much was. Bladder control: forget about it. Gag reflex:on a whim. If you do find yourself being stuck with him, kick him in the nuts and punch him in the stomach at the same time. This will take care of that 30 minute drive home. Another tip, drop him off. Don't ask questions, just go. Otherwise you will spend the next weekend making him clean up puke in your front seat while you sit in a lawn chair drinking Buds.

Like my college application essay? Well you should, you made it. Next week:(i fell in love with colons) 10 people you need to meet at the bar. Cheers!

(get the picture? no ? its ok. god made a few good heads and put hair on the rest.)
P.S. Editing yourself drunk sucks ass. I will take interns that will take beer in lieu of beer.

I Crapped Out My Mouth

With the opening of Busch the III upon us the excitment of the baseball season is palpable here in The Lou. As it always is. Other cities are a buzz as well, including chicago. Their whole perinial, "This is our year.", mantra always runs thin on me. But just like the Sun rises, paying taxes, and Pujols putting together an MVP caliber year flub fans will come to the above realization. They fucking suck. I'm not going to expand on that right now. I'll wait until after the first game they play in the new digs on 4.21, and yes I will be there in my seats. George Will: "Since 1946, the Cubs have had two problems: They put too few runs on the scoreboard and the other guys put too many. So what is the new management improving? The scoreboard." That's all I have to say about that.

I love baseball.John Kruk: "I'm not an athlete. I'm a professional baseball player." Cheers.

Seton Hall is Doing the No Pants Dance (Trying Not to Get 2 In the Pink and 1 In the Stink)

VS





I have been called the "grim reaper" of college basketball programs by my uncle (a ku alumn, so I take this assertion with a grain of salt). This is becuase while prior to attending and leaving my Universities, the programs have done quite well. And while I attended, lets just say that awful would be understated.

Here is some evidence to back this up. Prior to arriving at SHU the Pirates went to the Sweet 16 in 2000. When I got there in the fall of 2002 the program was in ugly shape after Amaker left for Michigan and hung SHU out to dry. Fast forward to 2004. I left before the spring semester and The Hall went to the Dance and upset Arizona in the first round as a 9 seed. They proceeded to get hit hard by Duke in the next round but hey, they won a game.

That same spring I was attending Mizzou. Now prior to my arrival they were also good and went to the Elite 8 in '01, and Sweet 16 in '03. What did they do when I got there and had the likes of Gardner and Kleiza? Failed to make the Tourney and lost in the first round of the NIT.
Obviously I am starting to agree with my uncle on this. I am the kiss of death to Men's Basketball programs where enrolled. Now the question is, if I go back to SHU in the fall will the resume sucking?

Now back to the issue at hand, Seton Hall against the Wichita State Shockers... Well you are just going to have to wait for this because I think I am going to get a little busy right now.

My Weekend As "That Guy"

I have been sick ever since Monday and this post it taking too damn long for me to get done. Since I am all bed ridden and shit today I might as well write it up later. I mean the only thing I really have to do today is my fantasy baseball draft later. Oh, you know you are jealous and it would be much sweeter if I didn't have cold sweats. Check back later, as in not now, for my experience as "that guy".